The Birth of Sheath Underwear: The Year Robert Patton Liberated Iraq, and His Ball Sack

Matthew McNulty - January 21, 2022

Sergeant Robert Patton, Founder of SHEATH

The weather that day in Tikrit, Iraq was so hot that Robert Patton felt that he was going to evaporate at any time. He was on a search and destroy mission in the city, looking for insurgents to rub out. That previous week he had wiped out an entire enemy platoon with a combination of grenades, his army issued M-16, and dirty looks. He was kicking so much ass in Iraq that Audie Murphy was starting to worry from his grave that Robert was going to assume the title of “Most Badass Soldier Ever.” Even Chuck Norris was starting to talk shit out of sheer jealousy.

But Robert had enough. Uncle Sam was paying him fifty thousand dollars a year to fight for a cause he no longer believed in. And his army issued underwear, designed to be form fitting, often chafed and irritated his skin. The material was loose, saggy, and coarse. Robert walked down an alley in Tikrit in search of the enemy, his eyes flitting from side to side like a mountain lion on the hunt for its prey. But his attention was divided. Robert couldn’t ignore the fact that his underwear was soaked in sweat, and his left testicle was stuck to his leg. “Army issued underwear is where sperm cells go to die,” he thought morosely. He and his ball sack weren’t on speaking terms, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

Suddenly, an Iraqi insurgent came out from behind a dumpster. He raised his AK-47 in Robert’s direction. Robert quickly dispatched him with a volley of bullets. “Give Saddam my regards,” Robert said.

Robert wiped the sweat from his brow and took a swig of water from his canteen. Suddenly the solution dawned on him. The army issued underwear had a serious flaw: there was no separate pouch for his genitals to hang freely, causing chafing and discomfort as a result. He now had a solution to his underwear problem and a business idea all rolled into one. “If I ever get out of this sand covered hell hole, I’m going to make bank with this idea,” he thought, a glimmer of hope bubbling up from within.

Fast forward to 2022. Robert is retired from the military. His days as a soldier are far behind him, lingering only in the nightmares of the insurgents he allowed to live. Sheath Underwear is now a multimillion-dollar business, providing comfortable, ball sack-friendly underwear that men the world over rave about. Sheath Underwear was born in the imagination of a soldier who wanted to create the kind of underwear he wanted to wear.